Saturday, April 30, 2011

Boundaries- Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Chapter on Ten Laws of Boundaries page 90-91
Law #3: Law of Power part b.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

"In other words, God, clarify my boundaries! You can work on submitting yourself to the process and working with God to change you. You cannot change anything else: not the weather, the past, the economy -- and especially not other people. You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. And it is impossible.

What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your ways of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.

Another dynamic that happens when you let go of others is that you begin to get healthy , and they may notice and envy your health. They may want some of what you have.

One more thing. You need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you do not."

The very first quote primarily used in AA meetings has become a quote that has been epic in my life this year. I actually have a figurine sitting on my end table with the very quote on it to reminding me to "let go and live."

For years I've been bound by not being able to accept painful things that were allowed into my life, and feeling a consuming need to change emotionally unhealthy people in my life. It left me bound, frustrated and failing. I self appointed myself to change people, not God appointed. When I fell on these words it was like someone opened a window and the sun burst in. I realized that I was powerless to make others change, (nor did I have the right) but I did have power to change myself, and whether they changed or not in the process I was always going to win because I was changing for the better. That statement right there gave me such passion and uncontrollable excitement. When I read this I was essentially given permission to release them. I was released from a job I thought was mine and given permission to stop putting my life on hold.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Softer

Softer is a key word in my life right now. At the end of each day I certainly don't always accomplish that goal, but SOFTER is a word that keeps coming to my mind. By the word softer I mean softer in my responses to my children, softer in my reactions to those I disagree with, and softer to those I love so deeply.

My natural tendencies is to share all the advice I have and tell someone how they should fix all of their problems in life. That is not only arrogant, but presumptuous. How something works for me isn't always the way it will work for someone else. I'm learning that a lot of people just want to be loved through quietness and a listening ear. I need to give them room to find God in the midst of their life. It's hard to close my mouth and open my ears. But I'm trying these days to do just that. Softer is the key for me right now.

How He Loves Us- David Crowder Band

He is jealous for me



Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree



Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy



When all of a sudden



I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory



And I realize just how beautiful You are



And how great Your affections are for me






And O how He loves us



Oh, O how He loves us



How He loves us all






Ya He loves us



O how He loves us



O how He loves us



O how He loves






We are His portion and He is our prize



Drawn to redemption by the grace in His Eyes



If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking



So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss



And my heart turns violently inside of my chest



I don't have time to maintain these regrets



hen I think about the way



Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Testing Boundaries

Can I be honest with you all. Being a mommy is the best job and some days the hardest job on earth. I have in my small hands the responsibility to mold and shape the worlds next generation. That statement alone would send me running for my migraine meds and living in fear if it weren't for God's faithful leadership and empowering.

Right now I have a 2 year old learning what boundaries are, and a 3 year old who has had a year to learn boundaries. My 3 year old is now cutting her teeth on "how far is to far?" I'm learning what it means to be consistent, and how far I'm willing to allow my children to stray or learn from natural consequences before I need to step in and correct. It's tough. I don't want to be a Nazi mom, but I don't want to be a completely permissive mom either.

So each day we wake up to a brand new challenge. Some days I fail miserably. I yell, I threaten, and I get hot and lose my temper. There are times when I should sent myself to the naughty chair for a time out. I am so thankful though for God's great big GRACE. It's not a grace that is permissive, allowing me to do whatever I want, when I want, but it is there to allow me a new start when I screw up.

It's tough getting down on my knees, eye to eye with my 3 year old at times saying "I'm sorry, mommy was wrong can you please forgive. Mommy should not of yelled at you?" It's tough wrestling with my own demons and not wanting to repeat how I was treated in certain ways through out my own childhood. I certainly don't want to slide to the opposite end of the spectrum and have no boundaries and consequences for fear of repeating history. My girls deserve loving boundaries so they can grow up balanced and confident children.

Yesterday was a do over day. Yesterday, I was pushed to my limits. My girls tested all of their limits and I over reacted out of stress. I wasn't the mommy they deserved. As I sat on the floor all spent I looked up at my fridge and my eyes rested on a picture of praying hands with the verse "In everything give thanks." I closed my eyes and started listing off all the things I am blessed in. I have a beautiful house, loving husband, healthy children, I'm well, there are so many Godly individuals to call for encouragement and wisdom, so many many things to be encouraged by. God brought to my mind that he wouldn't let anything to great for me to handle into my life. His desire is for His children to be refined, and to reflect His glory.

So I'm thankful that I have a MIGHTY God to walk with me as I am refined through my 2 small children.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I Am Second- Brant Hanson

http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/#just-added

Check out Brant Hansen and Whispering Danny. Just phenomonal testimonies. All of them are good, these speak to my heart today though.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Further comment on the Blue Like Jazz Chapter on Confessions post

I was raised to believe that most if not all individuals from different denomination were not saved individuals. It was our right if not our job to question the very grounds of their faith. Specially those in the Roman Catholic Church.

Today I don't fully agree with that. I believe it's close minded and judgmental. Only God knows what's in the heart of another. Being raised in a legalistic community and family I believed that those with tattoos, body piercings, gay/lesbian, those who had had abortions, drank and smoked were to be shunned and discredited. Perhaps even ignored. They were dangerous.

Those like Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi and others known for being activists have many times been completely discredited because they assumably had a questionable knowledge of Christ. But I've read some of their writings and heard some of what they have to say. I think that instead of discrediting them all together because they may or may not be saved we should listen to what they have to say because they have learned some very powerful things in life and have so much wisdom we can learn from. Something we can certainly learn from and put into action in our own lives. They lived for peace, for helping humanity, possibly without the indwelling of the Spirit of God. What they might have been like with that indwelling would have been further amazing.

I hate it when Christians discredit an individual and count them as nothing because they are unsaved or living in sin. They have meaning, they have purpose, and we must first love them with Christ's love before we can even begin to woo them to fall in love with the God that so passionately loves them. To judge someone first and completely because of their choices in life just shows our unwillingness to spend the time getting to know them and figuring out what the context of their life really is. What has molded them to be who they are. What gifts, talents and abilities have they been given to make them such a unique masterpiece in the eyes of God. They most importantly are God's beloved child. A child God has died for and loves. Shame on us for treating God's children with such distain. I can't even imagine someone doing that to one of my own chidren.

Jesus while he walked the earth didn't go eat with the dignified, the "holy". He went to the tax collectors house (the despised of all despised), the poor and needy, he met with the woman caught in adultery, he talked to the woman at the well known for multiple relationships with men and he wooed them with His perfect love. He called them to follow him. He loved them in their brokenness. He didn't tell them to get their act straight and then come see him. We who preach/believe that those out there must first turn from their sin to meet God don't preach a gospel of Love, but of law, that of the Pharisees. We tell others that our sin is not as bad as theirs, we are better, we have it all together, God must love us more. We preach a gospel no one wants to hear. We all have sinned and continue to sin. Sin, all of it creates a disconnect in our relationship with God. When we acknowledge our sin and draw near we see once again that God has always been there, for each and every one of us waiting to cradle us in His arms of Love. Like the father and the prodigal son. Welcoming us back into the fold ready to celebrate our return. I hope that you believe that God is always there for you, wanting to hold you in His mighty arms.

Please understand that I am no where near getting this all right. I still struggle, often, but it is something that has further been impressed on my heart by God's gentle voice this past year. God hasn't called me to love those who are the easiest to love. He has called me to love all His children, the same. As well I'm not saying that you don't have to change once you've come to know Christ. God calls us to be ever changing, ever growing, to know Him deeper and grow in maturity. It's the loving people to Christ that is so important. You will never love people to Christ by treating them like garbage.

Post

Just wanted to let you know that I changed my settings so you can now post comments....I think. Sorry about the inconvience. I'm still learning my way around this blog. If you want to pass along any comments about anything just let me know on my FB if you still can't post here. :) Thanks all.

Oaks of Righteousness

Isaiah 61:1-3


"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.


He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for th ecaptives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.


They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."


I have an acorn hanging at the window over my kitchen sink where I spend a great deal of my time. It is a constant reminder of my little girls. They are my little acorns. I pray that they will grow slowly, stronger each day in body, spirit and faith. I pray that they will one day grow into oaks of righteousness to display His splendor. This analogy is so poignant in my mind. I see an old gnarled oak tree older, bigger and more wise than any other tree in the forest. It's been through storms, seen lightening, and has weathered wind storms, but still it stands, strong for all to see for miles around. Beautiful in it's wisenness. To display Him alone. But to be honest, I will love my girls always whatever they want to become, and where ever they go.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Missionary Kid

Was it Gods plan for the children of missionaries to be cast aside, abused and abandoned for the sake of seeking and saving the lost? Or was that mans faulty interpretation of a calling. How can one present the glorious, loving gospel of Christ if they first are incapable of loving and caring for the ones that came from their very flesh and blood. I see it day in and day out as missionary kids broken and wounded returning from fields afar, lost and forgotten in a hurried desire for parents to be back at the "Lords work." Aren't our children, our beloved offspring, the treasures bestowed upon us from the Lord our first and most important calling. Don't we shape the future leaders? Isn't it our calling to mold and teach the least of these. To show them what loving Christ with an unquenchable passion looks like. Then when we have purposed in our hearts to mold and love and teach them then might we go to work intermingling teaching and loving others as our children walk with us, pray with us, and learn with us.

I grew up in a generation of forgotten children you might call it. I was loved. I was blessed to have parents who loved me, cared for me, and taught me about Jesus. I really was blessed. But there came a point in my life where their work, their ministry took preeminence over my needs and my emotional well being. I do understand the rigors of raising children, and I look up to my parents for taking 4 small lively children to a foreign country. I really don't know how they did it. So I feel selfish saying I didn't get what I really deserved or needed half the time. We got the used up side of our parents. The tired, discouraged, and impatience. There was no 9/5 job. It was the 24/7, 365 job. So to make life easier I guess they as many did without question placed us in assumable able hands to care for and educate us many many miles away. 6-8 weeks away at school 1 week home.

One week home went like this

Monday- Hello again. How do I figure out how to be a daughter and sister again after pretending for 8 weeks my parents and family don't exist so I can avoid being laughed at and experiencing sever bouts of homesickness. The loneliness ate a big hole in my heart. My brother sleeps on the couch because I'm home since he usually sleeps in my bed when I'm away.

Tuesday- I catch up on what I've missed being away, try to unpack, figure out how normal life works at home. Whatever normal is.

Wednesday- Start feeling like I'm part of the family again, I think.

Thursday- Really getting comfortable, loving being hugged again after 8 weeks of no personal affection.

Friday- The dread starts creeping back in. I start to remembering I have to go back. I'm on the down side of the week. I mentally start packing my bags. Closing my heart back up, backing away from personal touch, and stepping out of the family circle. It's less painful I think.

Saturday- I feel sick, don't feel like eating, start packing my bags, rattling off what I will need when I get back to the dorm. New flip-flops, more batteries for my flashlight, my stuffed bear Bubu who has been with me through every long night and every long day.

Sunday- The day I leave. Panic rises in my throat, all day I'm on the edge of a panic attack. Cold hands, sweaty palms. Empty feeling in my stomach. I feel like a hollow shell. Loading up the car, saying goodbye. Trying to be a brave girl, a good little soldier for Christ, whatever that means as a child I don't know. We leave. As we round the bend in the road I see the big tree I hate, I despise. It just grew there, no reason to be hated, but I, I hated that tree. It meant that the airport was near. I was powerless and my parents would once again hand me over to people I neither wanted to be with nor loved. Sundays for many many years were days I hated, I loathed. It signified the day I crumbled into a thousand pieces, was given away, and had no power or word in the matter. I went no matter what. I broke my arm one year a day before school and I still went, after I had it set.

Did I mention I was 8,9, 10, 11. At that age moms worry about their babies going to sleep overs. I was actually almost old when I went, other friends went when they were just tender ages of 6 and 7.

So my question again to you is God's plan for children of missionaries to be cast aside, abused or abandoned? When I tell people I went to boarding school when I was 8 for 6-8 weeks at a time they look at me like I'm crazy. Part of me wonders what the big deal is, while the other part agrees with them. It was crazy and it still is. The part of me that thinks it is no big deal is the part of me that was told that that behavior was normal, acceptable and good for children. The other part of me understands now why I dealt with sever anxiety as a child, almost had panic attacks regularly, had sever bouts of crying spells and later learned to pretend like I had no family made it easier to be away since I had no say in the matter anyway. And God, who wanted to follow a God that commanded such awful things to be done to children. And we won't even get into the sexual abuse that happened to so many.

But you know what I don't follow that God. That is a poor representation of who God is and I think it breaks his heart. I have learned to love and passionately follow a God who loves the little children and says "let them come to me." I love a God who created me to be a masterpiece. Who waits for me, and who holds me in His arms of love when my heart breaks. I serve a God who today, this very day went to the cross and shed his blood so I might live every day, wake up every morning with hope and restitution. I serve a God who empowers me to be a good mother to my 2 little treasures from above, and a good wife to one of the greatest blessings I've ever had.

It was very hard growing up under that way of life, very hard. But in some regards I wouldn't know God the way I know Him today without that broken childhood. I certainly wouldn't see my deep need for His healing and salvation. So today I praise Him for what He is, and what He has done for me, and in me. Thank you Jesus for living and dying for a desperate sinful child in need. Desperately in need of you. Amen.

Masterpiece

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:10 NLT)


"The Bible does not say you are God's appliance; it says you are his masterpiece. Appliances get mass-produced. Masterpieces get hand-crafted. God did not make you exactly like anyone else. Therefore his plan for shaping you will not look like his plan for shaping anyone else. If you try to follow a generic plan for spiritual growth, it will only frustrate you. Paul said, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."


It is time for you to stop walking around in Saul's armor. It is time to get free."


From The Me I Want To Be by John Ortberg chapter 4

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Quote

"Do one thing every day that scares you"





Eleanor Roosevelt

Chicken Parmesan

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/chicken-parmesan-recipe/index.html

This is a great recipe. I've made it twice and it's been a big hit both times. It takes a lot of pots and pans but if you are a committed cook it's worth it when you see the satisfaction and comfort on the faces of your friends and family when they eat it. I prefer a good glass of wine with this dish as well. Also some good bread with olive oil.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Blue Like Jazz- Donald Miller

Chapter 11: Confessions

This sums up something I have thought about a lot, but not quite had the words to express it.

"For me, the beginning of sharing my faith with people begain by throwing out Christianity and embracing Christian spirituality, a nonpolitical mysterious system that can be experienced but not explained. Christianity, unlike Christian spirituality, was not a term that excited me. And I could not in good conscious tell a friend about a faith that didn't excite me. I couldn't share something I wasn't experiencing. And I wasn't experiencing Christianity. It didn't do anything for me at all. If felt like math, like a system of rights and wrongs and political beliefs, but it wasn't mysterious; it wasn't God reaching out of heaven to do wonderful things in my life. And if I would have shared Christianity with somebody, it would have felt mostly like I was trying to get somebody to agree with me rather than meet God. I could no longer share anything about Christianity, but I loved talking about Jesus and the spirituality that goes along with a relationship with Him.

Tony the Beat Poet says the church is like a wounded animal these days. He says we used to have power and influence, but now we don't, and so many of our leaders are upset about this and acting like spoiled children, mad because they can't have their way. They disguise their actions to look as though they are standing on principle, but it isn't that, Tony says, it's bitterness. They want to take their ball and go home because they have to sit the bench. Tony and I agreed that what God wants us to do is sit the bench in humility and turn the other cheek like Gandhi, like Jesus. We decided that the correct place to share our faith was from a place of humility and love, not from a desire for power."
Mighty To Save


Everyone needs compassion



Love that never fails



Let mercy fall on me



Everyone needs forgiveness



The kindness of a Savior



The hope of nations






Savior



He can move the mountains



My God is mighty to save



He is mighty to save



Forever



Author of salvation



He rose and conquered the grave



Jesus conquered the grave






So take me as You find me



All my fears and failures



Fill my life again



I give my life to follow



Everything I believe in



Now I surrender






Shine Your light and let the whole world see



We're singing



For the glory of the risen King



Jesus



Shine your light and let the whole world see



Were singing



For the glory of the risen king






For me this song has tremendous meaning. It's a hard one for me to sing. Forgiveness to those who have stolen bits and pieces of your life is hard. When I sing this song though I am reminded and thankful for the forgiveness and I have been extended by Jesus when He died on the cross in my place. If I am willing to accept that what less can I do but extend forgiveness to others that Christ gave His very life for. Forgiveness doesn't mean there are no consequences for poor choices, broken lives. Forgiveness does releases me to a new life of hope. It allows my life to move forward even if the other individual is stuck. This song means coming to the end of me and beginning with the help of Christ to walk the road marked out in front. It's not easy to forgive, believe me I know, it doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't mean forgetting. It means to me moving forward and growing.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Loved

"Your new name is "Loved" God loves you unconditionally, forever, without reservation. You are sufficient. You are lovely. You are Loved." (Jeremiah 31:3b) I found this hiding in one of my books a few weeks after reading "Your Secret Name" by Kari Oberbrunner. This beautiful little treasure I found was something that I'd held onto since high school. During one of our Spiritual Emphasis weeks I went forward in desperation and out of faith took a little piece of paper at the front in front of so many and those were the words that were written on the paper. It didn't mean much to me then. They were just words I didn't believe. But now it's this beautiful little nugget of truth that I have taped to my bathroom mirror that greets me each morning and every night reminding me of God's unfathomable love for me. Something that I don't have to work for, something that I can sink down in and get warm and comfy. Some days I have a hard time believing that, but God has promised me that his Word never comes back void, and I believe this truth to be God speaking to me. Hope it touches your heart as it has mine.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Am Second

check out http://www.iamsecond.com/ It is a tremendous website. Just phenomenal. If you want to challenge anyone I'd send them here. Regular main stream people who's stories are amazing. Every time it just rocks me to my core. It really makes me thing about Christianity. Christ came for ALL so that ALL might be saved. I was raised to believe that us believers were superior, (sheep within the fold). We were right they were wrong. Our main strategy in life was to save those who weren't. So I kkept myself aloft afraid of unbelievers (Sinners) for so long. But I'm learning to believe, really believe that Christ died for ALL, we ALL are sinners and we ALL need Christ, ALL the time. Not just those out there that drink, smoke, have tattoos, have had abortions, are homosexual, you name it. My sin is JUST the same as theirs, because in truth all sin seperates us from Christ. All sin is a break in relationship, communion with God. But Christ loves All of us with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3b "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." He died on the cross that we might have complete restoration, full communion with Him. What love the Savior has bestowed on us, what love indead.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Heart

"May God break my heart so completely that the whole world falls in." Mother Teresa

Little Piece of Heaven



2 Years ago I gave birth to a little piece of heaven. Her name, Emily Elizabeth. Labor was long and hard and once she was born she was rushed off because her breathing was labored. She ended up in the NICU for 2 days where we weren't sure they were going to let us take her home. One of the hardest things was leaving my precious little bundle at the hospital and heading home with empty arms. I cried as we drove away leaving her with strangers. The next day though my mother-in-law and I suited up for war and went back to the hospital to do battle. There was no real reason why she needed to be there, we were told by one doctor the same words, while others gave us various reasons why she had to remain. One nurse scolded me for disturbing my premature male child, telling me HE needed to sleep so he could grow. I informed her in so many words that my child was a girl and I had been induced because she was overdue. My mother-in-law and I returned on day 3 to the hospital ready to sign papers on my daughter to discharge her ourselves. But thankfully they let her go without a fight. I was relieved when my little baby was in the car with us and we were driving away from the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for modern medicine and how it's saved so many lives. I'm thankful for the help I had in giving birth to my 2 precious daughters, but don't mess with me when it comes to my family. I had many tell us we should have sued, but all I was interested in was putting time and distance between the whole matter. So today I celebrate life. I celebrate the miracle of birth, new life, new hope and the precious precious blessing Emily has been to my life. She's my delicate little flower, my snuggle bug. I love her to pieces and I'm thankful to the Lord for the blessing to be her mommy. She (and God) have taught me so much in these past 2 years I don't even know where to begin. She and Katelyn have given me the vision, the strength to get the therapy I've needed to be a better mom to them. A mom they deserve to have. They deserve all the love and chances in the world to be the women God wants them to be. So to my little girl of 2 Happy Birthday. You light up my world and you give me a reason to be the best mom I can be. Thank you Emy!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

New Beginning

Here is my first attempt at blogging. We will see how it goes. My desire is to show the world or maybe just those I love dearly how I am falling in love with food, love and life again. My name embodies who I am in Christ, what I was and what I've become only through Him. So here we go, walk with me, taste food, read books and drink in life so we might both become a little richer in our experiences together. Wish me luck as I try to put into words the life that is before me.