Medication

It's hard. Hard finding what works, hard finding how much of that will help symptoms, while trying to outweigh the negative symptoms. I'm back on the road of trying to find something that works. There have been to many mornings where I'm covered in a fog of uncertainty. It's like if I squint hard enough I can bring life into focus. Maybe I can hear a little better, see a little clearer, but all that squinting just gives me a headache. It's hard not wanting to do anything but check out of life. This is the time when all of my hobbies consume me because I don't want to function in the real world.

The only problem, I'm a young mom and a wife. I don't have the liberty of checking out. Probably a good thing because it keeps me in check. I know what's right to do, it's right to get out of bed, it's right to play with my kids, but even to leave the house some days is a chore.

Today is one of those days in a week of those cloudy days. I already have a headache from squinting and it isn't even noon yet. I can hear myself saying the loving words I know are right, giving the hugs and the kisses, but it feels like someone else is doing it, because it feels like I'm lost in a cloud of unfeeling numbness.

Home Made Beads

The girls and I are making homemade beads today. Today we followed the recipe, rolled them, used straws to poke holes in them and then set them in the sun to dry. I followed the recipe but put about 1/2 cup or a little more warm water in, and then just kneaded in the proper remaining amount of flour to make them easy to roll out. I think we'll put colored paint in separate containers with lids and let them roll the paint on. Then we will let them dry again, spray on a seal/polish and then string them when dry. Will post pictures when done.

http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,169,152167-242203,00.html

Embellished Felt Bag

I've decided to redesign the hangles on the felt bag more to an over the shoulder bag. The felt will be gray and I have teal, sunset orange and fuchia pink silk that I will make the flowers out of. I'm thinking that they will take on a poppy flower shape. These will be secured to the front of the bag through the center with little irridescent beads. Can't wait to see how it turns out. Very excited. Like all of my designs it's going to make someone else's day a little brighter. This is what brings me joy in life, brightening other peoples lives with handmade love.

http://www.marthastewart.com/273303/felt-tote-bag

http://jonesdesigncompany.com/create/5-days-of-favorite-projects-day-1/

Felt Bag

Here is an idea for a felt bag I just finished. I embellished my bag by sewing 3 colorful giraffes on the front and then adding another felt color to the inside of the back so the bag ended up being a double layer. I was not crazy about the design of the handles. It makes it awkward to hold, so next time I think I'd trace out my own hand holds and sew it again. But for a first try at making a bag it turned out rather adorable and sturdy.

http://www.marthastewart.com/273303/felt-tote-bag

Citrus Coasters

This has been a fun splash of color help celebrate summer and all it has to offer.

http://www.purlbee.com/the-purl-bee/2011/6/23/mollys-sketchbook-citrus-coasters.html

Potty Training and Big Girl Undies

We are so very proud of Emily. She is doing an amazing job at potty training. This whole week has been a wonderful success and such a relief. I had braces myself for a large drawn out fight ending in her going off to college in pull-ups. :) Emily is our stubborn girl. Well thinking about it they both are. They both have our fight to the death genes. Emily is hard to move from one stage of her life to the next. She only walked because Chris made her, and once she did walk she was the happiest thing ever. She didn't want to sit on the potty when we started, but once we got her over the stubborn part she's been such a wonderful surprise in going mostly all by herself. We've had her happily go poop and potty time and time again each day. There are some accidents, but we celebrate the successes and carry on with life in the accidents. She is SO proud of herself and so excited to be wearing big girl undies just like her big sister. You can see the pride radiating in her face as she runs to get hugs and baby M&M's.

I'm so excited that this is another way that Chris and I can work together as a team and triumph as a family. We are instilling in our daughters a pride for an accomplishment well done, and they are learning that it's ok when we make mistakes. No big deal, we clean up and go on with life. I hope that this pride and these lessons being learned at such a young age can continue to translated into their lives as they grow and mature and their challenges grow bigger an harder. I pray that they will continue to grow to be confident and strong young ladies. Their strong wills and stubbornness were given to them by God. I hope that it can be trained to be used for His kingdom and His glory.

Just thought you might like to celebrate with us in this week of triumph. It's a little bittersweet though moving into a new stage of life. This means my last baby is growing up. My hands and heart must continue to loosen it's grip on them. That is what is right an proper, to slowly let them go as they grow. Training them with the right life qualities and tools to do it on their own one day. To take those tools and show the next generation how to live and love God to the fullest of their ability.

Life With Depression and Severe Anxiety

This has been a great summer. So busy, full of life, changes and new adventures. I've visited my blog countless times intending to write about many things, but have sat in a quiet cloud of thought, not knowing what really to express. So many feelings rush out of each day, some not stopping to make room for others.

Life is a struggle for me. The challenge to stay ahead of the dark wings of depression, while maintaining the normalcy of a healthy life takes its toll some days. Without the aid of medication severe anxiety makes simple chores like going to the grocery store almost an overwhelming task even without children by my side. I've learned to hide it well, but I'm not always sure that is a good thing. Without letting yourself be vulnerable you can't let others in to walk with you through tough times. It takes a combination of knowing when to be strong and when to be weak to help balance out the challenges in life.

My girls are 2 of the most precious things in my life. (Let's not forget my husband as well. He is the blessing that gave me our children.) Those girls are what I rise in the morning for. Some mornings a little more disgruntled than others. Those precious babies and my husband are why I have chosen to get help through therapy and medication. They deserve a healthy strong mommy and wife.

Taking medication is no replacement for doing the hard work. Getting up when you don't feel like it, putting make up and real clothes on when you feel like staying in bed. Getting out when you would rather stay in. Going grocery shopping when you are feeling overly anxious.

This past year God called me to go above and beyond what I was even comfortable thinking about. He asked me to lead a bible study group at my church for young moms. Please I am not asking to be seen as something extra ordinary, I just want to be seen as faithful to God. Faithful to listen and obey. Isn't that what God asks of us. To incline our ear and then to put one foot in front of the other. The very thought of leading a bible study scared the stuffing right out of me. In high school I was in a speech and drama class and every Friday I was literally sick to my stomach because I had to get up in front of a small class and give a speech. It was terrifying. God knew that, but He knows me better than I know myself.

I found by calling the group of women God's women it took my eyes off of my own inadequacy and placed everything on God who is adequate for any challange. It removed the anxiety and replaced it with peace and joy. By the end of the year dedicated to obeying God in this simple way I've been forever changed, and forever thankful for the delicate jewels I've collected along the way, in wisdom, spiritual growth, close friends, confidence and most precious of all a deeper love for the Lord.

I've been learning that it's not who you are by the worlds standards that matters, but who you are in God's eye that makes all the difference in the world. Doesn't He call us the apple of his eye.

My children, my most precious presents from the Lord, as I like to tell them they are are a constand and daily reminder to get out of bed, do the right thing because they deserve the best no matter what.