Medication

It's hard. Hard finding what works, hard finding how much of that will help symptoms, while trying to outweigh the negative symptoms. I'm back on the road of trying to find something that works. There have been to many mornings where I'm covered in a fog of uncertainty. It's like if I squint hard enough I can bring life into focus. Maybe I can hear a little better, see a little clearer, but all that squinting just gives me a headache. It's hard not wanting to do anything but check out of life. This is the time when all of my hobbies consume me because I don't want to function in the real world.

The only problem, I'm a young mom and a wife. I don't have the liberty of checking out. Probably a good thing because it keeps me in check. I know what's right to do, it's right to get out of bed, it's right to play with my kids, but even to leave the house some days is a chore.

Today is one of those days in a week of those cloudy days. I already have a headache from squinting and it isn't even noon yet. I can hear myself saying the loving words I know are right, giving the hugs and the kisses, but it feels like someone else is doing it, because it feels like I'm lost in a cloud of unfeeling numbness.